Disclaimer: I’m just having a little fun with some characters, no copyright infringement is intended. As we all know these characters are owned by AMC (insert your own meaning for those initials) even if they don’t deserve them. Please take this story with several grains of salt. Rodney and Mike have already read it, and they are not ready to string me up at the nearest tree, so please laugh. Thank you to Jess for the name Finch N. Chips and to Biz and Dani for being the best audience. A very big thank you to whomever came up with the name Mark Jerkis. I hope you don’t mind my using it, and I trust you will like what I did with Mr. Jerkis. This story also contains several references to Disney films and Stephen Sondheim’s Into the Woods. If there is something you think is really odd, run to the store to buy a copy of the Broadway cast of Into the Woods and enjoy the soundtrack. Hope you like it. :) Enjoy!
Italics denotes thoughts.
Snow Betty and the Seven Guys Courting Disaster, Part I
by Diane Marlo
Once upon a time in the far away village of St. Pitt lived a Princess who was much adored. She was the most popular person in the palace in which she lived, but alas, the Princess Bettarina was very woeful. For even though she had the adulation of almost everyone in the palace, her wicked stepmother, the evil Queen Gerssie, was often mean to her. Bettarina didn't know why the Queen disliked her so. She was always perfectly behaved. Bettarina thought perhaps the Queen did not like her own name and that was why she was so mean.
Through it all the Princess Bettarina managed to soldier on even with her horrible cross to bear. She entertained the other members of the court by writing stories and skits that they would perform. Most of the court thought they were the luckiest people alive to be in a Princess Bettarina show. All except for the Lady Hilariat and her husband, Sir Jeffrey the Tall. They both thought her works to be drivel, but they kept that to themselves.
Queen Gerssie tried many different plans to get the Princess out of her life forever. She consulted her magic mirror every day, and every day the spirit of the mirror gave her another plan. She called to the mirror using the words only she knew.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall tell me how to plan Bettarina’s downfall.”
Through the mists of time a face finally appeared in the mirror. It was the Wizard of Eldrangnia. He had been captured and imprisoned by the evil Queen Gerssie many years ago and for this he was a little angry with her. But he answered her question day after day, if only for his own amusement. The Queen’s pomposity really annoyed him and he liked to toy with her without her even knowing it. She once again demanded a scheme to get rid of the Princess. The Wizard considered a few options and then giggled to himself at the plan chosen to present to the Queen.
"Well, Queen Gerssie, why don’t you try soaking her long johns in cold water with just a teaspoon of peroxide. That should do the trick.”
The Queen thought this was a perfectly ridiculous idea, but she would try anything to get rid of the Princess and so off she went to prepare the Princess’s laundry. After she left the Wizard laughed out loud and mumbled something about buying the palace after the Queen died, and he was freed from the mirror. Alas, he knew he could be freed from the mirror only if his trusted apprentice, the Knave Folet, ever recovered his capacity for speech. The Queen had usurped the Knave’s voice and kept it locked in a seashell and hidden in a secret drawer in her desk.
Ah well, the Wizard thought, “at least she could have turned me off before she left. But she didn’t so he just hung around for a little while.
Queen Gerssie took care of the Princess’s laundry personally. She wanted no mistakes with this delicate operation. She made a big show of presenting the drawers to Princess Bettarina before she retired for the night. The Princess was thrilled. She thought it was a lovely gift the Queen was giving her, and she thought maybe the Queen did not hate her at all. She had a blissful night’s sleep and told the Queen that at their sumptuous breakfast the next morning. Queen Gerssie was not amused. She decided she had had enough of the mirror’s suggestions and was determined to think of a plan of her own.
She walked down to one of the three rivers that flowed past the palace and paced until she was interrupted by several phone calls. She hated it when she was called away from her musings on how to dispose of the Princess.
Finally the Queen had a brilliant idea. She would use one of the shows that the Princess was always writing to her own advantage. Queen Gerssie decided she would take one of the shows on the road and somehow forget to bring the Princess home when they returned. She announced the public part of her plan at dinner that evening. The whole court would take one of the plays to the marketplace and perform it for an audience of peasants. The Lady Hilariat immediately balked at the suggestion and made it clear that she had absolutely no intention of performing for peasants. After all, she was the Lady Hilariat, of course. She was a star! Hadn’t they all seen her in The Friends? This was everyone’s cue to say, “Yes, Lady Hilariat, we saw you and you were wonderful.” Queen Gerssie agreed that if the Lady did not wish to perform, she would not have to, but Princess Bettarina would play her part. The Lady Hilariat would not hear of that either, so she reluctantly joined the troupe.
Queen Gerssie sent a proclamation to her entire Queendom demanding their attendance at this special event, whether they were viable or not. Everyone obeyed because when the Queen talked, people listened. The whole court was involved in the production of the play. The play chosen was entitled, "The Feet of Time". In it Lady Hilariat played Lizzy Martin and her husband, Sir Jeffrey the Tall, played her husband the oft-amnesiac, Brendan. The perennially Lady-in-Waiting Breugenia played the lute, and her secret love, the Knave Folet, was in charge of the technical aspects of the show.
After the performance Queen Gerssie sent the troupe out to talk to the crowd. Lady Hilariat did not mind that since she could sign a multitude of autographs. However, she did become annoyed when the peasants ignored her and flocked to her husband, Sir Jeffrey the Tall.
As the troupe mingled, the Queen supervised the packing of the wagons that were parked out of sight behind the stage. She then boarded everyone except the Princess. Queen Gerssie ordered her lackey, Herb Pitman, to gather the cast and crew by shouting, "Last call for boarding! This is the very last call for boarding!", just softly enough so Princess Bettarina would not hear the yell above the din of the crowd. No one in the wagons noticed she was missing because everyone thought she was on a different wagon.
Indeed the Princess Bettarina did not hear the call, nor see the wagons depart since she was distracted by a fortune teller’s tent. She had entered the tent and found an auburn-haired woman wearing a full red skirt and white blouse. A purple silk shawl thrown around her shoulders completed her couture. She was seated at a circular table. On the table there was a midnight blue cloth strewn with gold stars. She had a crystal ball on the table and beckoned to the Princess as she stood hesitantly just inside the parted curtains.
"Please come in, seeker of truth. My name is Mabel. Most people say Maple, like the syrup, but I say, no, it’s Mabel, as in Mabel, you know?”
The Princess most certainly did not know and was very confused. She started to leave, but Mabel went over to her and led her toward the table. (The Queen had promised Mabel a hefty reward for keeping the Princess occupied, and she did not intend to let that just run out of the room.)
"I can see you have many questions about your future."
The Princess was indeed interested in what would happen to her. She wondered if she would ever escape from the evil Queen Gerssie, and if she would ever find her own true love and live happily ever after. Sometimes her life seemed so bleak. The Princess Bettarina willingly sat down across from Mabel. Mabel was a pretty experienced actress herself and answered every question the Princess asked, and then some. The Princess’s first question was about her ideal love. Mabel made quite a show of ‘seeing’ visions in the crystal ball. She told the Princess Bettarina that she would soon be surrounded by ardent admirers. The Princess was very happy about this. Sometimes her life at the palace was so dreary she almost screamed. Mabel also told Bettarina that she would indeed be freed from the evil Queen Gerssie. The Princess could not believe this, and asked how this might be possible. The Princess was secretly hoping that the Queen would announce her retirement, and was disappointed when all Mabel said was, "In a way you would least expect it." The Princess had no idea what to make of that answer, it made absolutely no sense to her. She kept asking more and more questions and kept getting more and more crazy answers.
After quite some time the Princess gave up in frustration and left. She had no idea how long she had been at Mabel’s table, and was extremely surprised to find that night had fallen during the time she was in the tent. Since Mabel had so many candles lit, it was impossible to tell that the sun had set for the night while one was still inside the tent.
The Princess Bettarina was very confused. She had no idea what to do. There was no one else in the marketplace. The wagons, the troupe, and when she went back into the tent, Mabel too, had all disappeared. She tried to find someone who could help her return to the palace.
She walked toward a building on the other side of the square that had some candles burning in the windows. She tries to read the sign hanging by the door, but it was in such disrepair she could only make out the letters “O’MA.” Not knowing what that meant she entered the building. She saw several men seated in chairs scattered by a fireplace. She also saw a man standing behind a counter pouring liquids. She smiled and walked over to him since he seemed to be in charge. Since she was so thirsty she thought she might ask for some milk. As she walked over to the other side of the room the men by the fireplace started calling out to her.
"Hey, look fellas, a new one!", yelled one of the men.
"She looks awfully innocent,", said another, "And I like ‘em that way!" he added.
"Come over and sit on Santa’s lap," said a third with a gleam in his eye.
Princess Bettarina did not know what to make of all this. She had never been addressed in such an odd manner, and it was no where near Christmas. She tried to continue over to the man pouring the liquids, but the man who asked her to sit on Santa’s lap got up and walked over to her.
“My, what pretty eyes you have, my pet," he oozed.
The Princess was quite pleased with her eyes and thanked the man for his "compliment".
The man continued, "What pretty teeth you have too," he leered. He grabbed Bettarina’s arm and she gave out a little shriek. She was suddenly very alarmed. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the man who had called out to her first when she entered the pub pull himself away from the fireplace and start toward them.
"Hands off her, Roly!" Gaston said.
Princess Bettarina thought this man was her hero and was very relieved, but then he continued "I saw her first, she’s mine!" and he grabbed the Princess’s other arm.
Poor, poor Princess Bettarina was so scared. Roly had had more than enough to drink and would not surrender his conquest that easily. He punched Gaston with his free fist and Gaston punched Roly right back. Then they both let go of the Princess and a free-for-all ensued in the pub. Once Bettarina realized she was freed from the mens grasps she ran out of the pub. Some of the other men saw her leave and decided it would be more fun to pursue her than it would be to stay there and be punched, so they ran after her. Princess Bettarina heard the men chasing her so she ran down the closest street she could find.
She continued to run through the twisting streets until she was out of the village and on her way to the forest. She had only a vague idea of where she was. She knew she was not headed in the direction of the palace, but to turn back in that direction was to head back to the carousing men and she most definitely did not want to do that. She could still hear them running after her so she did the only thing she could and ran into the woods.
Princess Bettarina saw the moon rise higher in the sky and realized she had been running for several hours. She stopped for a moment by a gentle stream to soak her feet. She had not heard the men following her recently and felt slightly safer. Unbeknownst to her they had all passed out some time ago from the alcohol they had previously consumed. After the Princess paused for refreshment she resumed her foray into unknown territory. She ran until she dropped from exhaustion and fell asleep muttering something about "butterfly shrimp".
The Princess was awakened in the morning by something licking her forehead. She sat straight up and screamed. Then she opened her eyes and laughed when she saw she was surrounded by various woodland animals. It had only been a deer that was licking off a leaf that had fallen on her during the night. Princess Bettarina then remembered her predicament. She was perplexed concerning how to proceed. She had no idea where she was or how to get back to the palace. She sighed and said out loud,
"Well, I guess I should just start back the way I came." She did not fear heading back to the village, for she did not hear the men and figured they must have given up on her.
A gray bunny said out loud, "You could go that way, but most people find the other way just as nice."
Princess Bettarina looked down at the bunny and said (for of course she could talk to the animals),
"Yes, that way looks nice too."
A squirrel put in his two cents worth in by quipping, "Follow the yellow brick road."
"Ha ha, very funny," the Princess replied. If only she had a pair of ruby slippers. She thought that Dorothy always had the best luck. Here she was in the middle of nowhere, no Glinda, no munchkins, only a bunch of sarcastic animals. But the Princess was determined to get back to the palace so she got up and brushed off various other pieces of flora that had fallen on her during the night. A bluebird descended from the sky.
"Zip a dee doo dah," he started, "Zip a dee ay," he continued, "My oh my what a wonderful day."
By this time the Princess was getting a little peeved at this annoying little bird. That is until he said, "My, oh my, I can help you find the way."
This last line intrigued the Princess very much and followed the bluebird in its flight. She did not think to ask it where it might be taking her, she just assumed he would take her home. She followed the bird through the forest with the rest of the animals trailing them. They walked for most of the morning until they came to a clearing in the woods with a stream running through it. On the other side of the stream was a house. It was a rather large house for being in the middle of nowhere, but it was certainly better than nothing. The Princess crossed the bridge to the house and knocked on the door. She hoped whoever answered would let her use the phone. There was no answer to her first knock. She repeated the knock more loudly. There was still no response. The Princess concluded that there was no one at home, so she sat on the steps and waited for someone to return.
Meanwhile, back at the palace, everyone had by now realized the Princess was missing. Most of the court followed Queen Gerssie’s faked lead in the frantic search for Bettarina. The exceptions to the search were the Lady Hilariat and her husband, Sir Jeffrey the Tall. They would not look for her since on the way home from the performance the previous day they picked up a wandering minstrel named Ruperth. Ruperth was producing scripts that suited the acting duo’s style much better than Bettarina’s ever did, so they weren't troubled by her absence. They may have been troubled by her loss as a person, but they both knew that the Princess always managed to fend for herself, and would therefore find her way back to the palace without any help from them.
Queen Gerssie took a break from her false concern for Princess Bettarina to consult the Wizard of Eldrangnia on the whereabouts of the Princess. She hoped to find out that the Princess had come to some wicked end, but was disappointed when the Wizard told her the Princess sat on the doorstep of the Seven Guys Courting Disaster.
"The Seven Guys Courting Disaster!" the Queen screamed. "That’s preposterous!" She was very angry that her plan to be rid of Bettarina permanently had failed. She knew now that she would have to take matters into her own tentacles (oops, sorry, I’m in the wrong story)...um, to carry out this plan to its deadly end. She stormed out of her chamber and down to the palace kitchen all the time muttering, "Who the heck are the seven Guys Courting Disaster?!"
Darn, she left me on again, thought the Wizard, and he hung around some more. This was quite tiresome for him because by the time the Queen returned to send him away his cocoa was always cold.
The Queen threw everyone out of the kitchen and sent them on a wild goose chase to help search for the Princess. She had decided she was going to make up a special batch of Bettarina’s favorite snack, peanut brittle. But this candy would have a special secret ingredient, a death potion the Queen had learned when she was just a child. She made sure she included lots of peanuts as well.
Back in the woods Princess Bettarina heard the sound of singing heading toward the house. "Ho hum, ho hum, it’s home from work we come." A line of seven men proceeded to the house. Led by Vic, a distinguished looking man wearing a fedora, the line halted abruptly, almost causing all of the men to bump into each other. Skeet, a man with dark hair and a permanent twinkle in his eyes, peered around from behind Vic to see why they had stopped.
The other men in the line were also puzzled. C. Muldoon, a shorter man with sad eyes followed Skeet in the line. Behind him were two European looking men with slicked back hair and pencil thin mustaches, named Finch N. Chips and Vodner VonValker. Dougy, with dreamy eyes and sandy brown hair was next, and the youngest of the group, Deejay finished the line. Vic had stopped because he noticed someone seated on the doorstep.
By Jove, that looks like.....a woman!", Vic exclaimed. The others could not really believe this but they rubbed their eyes, checked the sunlight, compared notes and came to the same conclusion.
By this time the Princess had grown tired of waiting for the men to approach. She walked over to them and asked, "Is there a phone around here I might use?" The Guys were suddenly stricken by a strange affliction. It was as if the vision in front of them, who seemed to glow with a supernatural light, had cast a spell on all of them. Each and every one of the Courting Disaster Guys was transformed into a sycophant capable only of catering to Bettarina’s every whim. They were so dumbstruck they could not even answer her. The Princess wanted to get away from the seven Guys as soon as possible. They seemed to have lost all capacity for thinking logically and she had no time for them. She pressed the issue. "Do you men live in the house over there? And if so, do you have a phone I might use to call the palace?”
Vic, who was unjustly accused by many for lacking emotions, somehow recovered his capacity for speech and said that yes the men did live there, but they had no phone she could use since all of the phone lines were dedicated modem lines. However, she could certainly use the email, or the chat rooms.
Shoot, thought the Princess, the evil Queen Gerssie is too old-fashioned to even own a computer. She sighed and explained this to the Guys.
Finch N. Chips cleared his throat and suggested that perhaps they could help the Princess back to the palace. After all that’s what they did, it’s what they lived for, to help poor unfortunate souls like herself. Why just that day they helped a childless baker and his wife find a cow as white as milk, a cape as red as blood, hair as yellow as corn, and a slipper as pure as gold. The hair was the hardest part since they had to pull it off a maiden in a tower. The exasperated Princess would take any help she could get at this point.
And back at the palace...The evil Queen Gerssie had almost finished making her peanut brittle. As she was mixing the final ingredient into the recipe she recited the spell, "Superdupercali perfidiousfragilistic egregiouslyoverlooked expavla pialinarickshawdocious." The Queen drew a deep breath after saying the terrifying tongue twister and vowed to get the people who wrote the incantations, and their little dogs too. Gerssie checked her special spell book to make sure there was no antidote. She happily discovered nothing, except a small footnote concerning love’s first kiss. That provision was only in effect when the potion was used on apples. The Queen scoffed and wondered who would be silly enough to use the potion with apples. Queen Gerssie finished her preparations and wrapped the peanut brittle in a white paper bag to bring it to the Princess.
The Queen journeyed out of the palace unaccompanied by any guards so she would not have any witnesses to her plot. She knew it was not very safe to venture out alone since a little girl in a red cape stopped by the palace one day to report some wolves in the woods. Wolves did not frighten the Queen. After all the girl did say the wolves were nice, but then cryptically added that nice was different than good.
The Queen was just past the halfway point to the house of the seven Guys Courting Disaster when she saw a strange structure through the trees. She decided that the Princess could live for a few minutes more, and went over to check it out. Upon closer examination she saw the structure was at one time a refreshment stand for an old drive-in movie theater. She saw what was left of the screen being slowly ripped apart by the tree branches growing through it.
Inside the old refreshment counter she saw someone, or was it something, move. She hid behind a tree and tried to see what was going on inside the building. There was one person inside the building. At least the Queen thought it was a person. It had a human head and the body of an ape. Queen Gerssie decided this "thing" was not a threat and since it was moving some boxes around beneath the counter of the stand it had not yet noticed her. She walked up to the counter and knocked on the stainless steel. The creature banged its head as it tried to stand up too quickly. The Queen could now see it was a person in an ape suit. She stifled a laugh and asked the "ape" what he was doing.
"Name’s Mark Jerkis, ma'am. I was just put in charge of this place and now I’m remolding it in my own image. Used to be a really nice place, but now I’m developing a niche market. Y’know, like soap operas for people who aren’t romantic, quiz shows for people who aren’t smart, weather channels that give reports for places you won’t be going to, that kind of thing. I’m making a drive-in theater for people who don’t like movies. I’ve got plenty of really bad movies to keep the place open for years." Mark Jerkis scratched his head as he continued, "Only problem is I also happen to own the rights to some really good programming. I have no idea what to do about that stuff. Throw it in a box in the corner, I guess."
The Queen heard more than enough from this not-so-discerning lunatic and turned to leave his happy little world. She was no more than a few steps away when Jerkis exited the stand and started after her. "Maybe you could help me re-open the place,", Jerkis shouted desperately. He was having trouble finding backers for his venture and did not want anyone to slip through his fingers. The Queen started to pick up her pace, but Jerkis kept up to her.
"I know I can make this place turn a profit. How can I miss with such a great concept? When we show ape movies, we can dress up in ape costumes, just like I am right now. I’m testing out the idea. Whaddaya think?", Jerkis called out after her.
The Queen’s only reply was to run faster. She eventually lost Jerkis when he had to stop due to the extreme heat generated from running in an ape suit.
Back at the house of the seven Guys Courting Disaster, the Princess had grown weary of the mens constant attentions toward her. Each man had been trying to entertain her and as of yet none had succeeded. Dougy tried to win her favor by bringing her flowers. Deejay tried to impress her by showing her all the electronic gadgets in the house. C. Muldoon tried reciting Shakespeare, and Finch N. Chips by writing funny narratives to her. Vodner VonValker showed the Princess his entire collections of CDs, LDs, and videotapes, then he started reciting trivia on all of them.
Vic and Skeet had entered into their own personal argument over her. Each one of them claimed he saw her first and therefore he was entitled to her. They might have come to blows over her, but instead they burst into the song "Agony" from Stephen Sondheim’s Into the Woods:
Vic: Did I amuse her or show her disdain?
Why does she run from me?
If I should lose her how shall I regain
The heart she has won from me?
Agony!
Beyond power of speech
When the one thing you want
Is the only thing out of your reach.
Skeet: Lost in our bower
She sits by the hour
Disdaining our pleas.
Blithe and becoming
And frequently humming,
"Get me out of here, please."
(For the Princess had been softly singing to herself and of course the Guys were only further dumbfounded by the siren call of her voice.)
Skeet continued: Agony!
Far more painful than yours
When you know she would go with you
If there weren’t so many dwarfs
(Skeet momentarily thought he was in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but he quickly recovered.)
Vic and Skeet: Agony!
Oh the torture they teach!
Skeet: What’s so intriguing....
Vic: Or half so misleading......
Both: As what’s out of reach.
Vic: Am I not sensitive
Clever
Well-mannered
Considerate
Passionate, charming
As kind as I’m tall
And in charge of this group?
Skeet: I am everything maidens could wish for!
(Humility was never a strong point for Skeet)
Vic: Then why no?
Skeet: Do I know?
Vic: The girl must be mad
(Vic said in a moment of temporary insanity)
Skeet: You know nothing of madness.
Have you noticed her bodice?
How it rests on that goddess.
As you’re nearing her
All the while hearing her
Singing "Get me out of this asylum please!"
Both: Agony!
Vic: Misery!
Skeet: Woe!
Both: Though it’s different for each.
Vic: Always ten steps away
Skeet: Always six other Guys in my way
Both: And she’s just out of reach
Agony!
That can cut like a knife!
I must have her to wife!
The men were finally, and mercifully, interrupted by a knock on the door. "I’ll get it!", each one of the Guys Courting Disaster yelled and they all ran for the door. It was Queen Gerssie.
The Princess Bettarina was very relieved. She thought she was going to be rescued by the Queen, and laughed at herself for thinking the Queen did not like her. Bettarina ran for the door. "Oh, Queen Gerssie, I’m so glad to see you! What do you have in the bag?"
"Just a treat for you on the long trip home," answered the Queen innocently. She really wanted to shove a piece down Bettarina’s throat right now, but there were far too many witnesses.
"Peanut brittle!", the Princess guessed, "Oh, thank you! Is it primarily brittle, or do the nuts predominate?
"In your case Dearie, always the nuts."
Princess Bettarina could not wait. She grabbed the bag and chomped down on a piece.
"No!" the Queen screamed.
Alas, it was too late. The sleeping death potion worked instantaneously. Bettarina grabbed her throat and tried to scream, but found her power of speech now equaled that of the Knave Folet. She also realized she could no longer breathe and blacked out. Since she blacked out she could no longer stay on her feet and so she sank to the floor, just as if someone had thrown some water on her. Vic tried to catch her, but he was too far away. All seven of the Guys Courting Disaster gasped simultaneously. Queen Gerssie cackled and croaked, "Ha ha! I am finally free of that sickening ‘can do no wrong’ girl!”
The Guys ran to the spot where the Princess fell to the floor. They tried to revive her by picking her up, flinging her arms around their shoulders and "walking" her around the room. Vodner even tried playing some of his CDs very loudly, sadly to no avail. Queen Gerssie laughed at the Guys’ attempts to revive Bettarina.
"You fools," she cried, "she’s gone, forever! The potion of the sleeping death does not have a remedy. She will remain in the state she is in now, completely unconscious to the world! Unfortunately, she will not suffer any of the ravages of death, she will remain in the pristine condition she is in, forever." The Queen made a mental note to work on that part of the potion some time.
The Guys were livid. They had not been around the Princess long enough to really get to know her, but to have their goddess taken away from them so soon after they found her was more than they could handle. They very reverently laid the Princess on a well-worn couch, being sure to cover her with a cozy afghan so she wouldn’t get cold. As a group they turned and started toward the Queen. The Queen saw the mob approaching and decided it was time to take her leave of the Guys. She ran out the door and across the bridge with just a split second lead over the men. She was surprisingly fleet of foot and soon had a small lead over the Guys who kept falling over each other in their pursuit of the Queen. The Queen kept running and was giving herself a comfortable lead.
Once the Guys crossed the bridge they became more organized and started to gain on the Queen. Gerssie ran through twigs and brush and pond scum to evade the men. She scrambled over rocks, climbed every mountain, and outran the strange Mark Jerkis who had once again tracked her down. She finally put him out of his misery by pushing him off the edge of a precipice. As a final plea to save his dying theater Jerkis shouted, "Check out our (ouch!) schedule for (eek!) Martini Months! (Oof!) Coming soon!" as he bounced from edge to cliff on his long way down to the bottom of the Duquesne Gorge.
The evil Queen Gerssie heard the Seven Guys Courting Disaster catching up to her and ran away from the edge of the cliff before they could force her to join Jerkis. The Queen ran toward what looked to be a church nestled in the trees. She planned to claim sanctuary upon reaching it but when she arrived at the highly decorated building there was no one inside. She departed the church through one of the rear exits and found a festival taking place. Many people were dressed in colorful costumes and a banner was strung between two trees that proclaimed, "Sponsored by Broome Brothers Department Store. Our motto, ‘You can pay less, but you cannot pay more!"
Even though the Queen wanted to find out why the festival was taking place, she spotted Mabel, the fortune teller. Gerssie decided that since she had not yet paid Mabel what she owed her for detaining the Princess at the marketplace, she should leave before Mabel noticed her presence. Oh, but it was too late for the evil Queen. Mabel had already seen her and was very eager to get her money. She headed out after the Queen.
The Queen didn’t waste any time looking behind her to see who was chasing her. She ran toward a booth that had been set up as a broadcasting studio, beyond that booth were enough trees to provide her with plenty of cover. She thought the booth was in a rather odd place, right next to the dunking booth. The Queen didn’t want to think about how messy it would be if some of the water from the booth splashed on an ungrounded wire from the broadcast booth. She looked around to find another way out, but saw Mabel coming from one direction and the Guys closing in from another, so she had no choice but to run in between the two dreaded booths. The Queen drew a deep breath as if to make herself thinner as she ran and plowed through the people surrounding the entertainments. She made it through the space between the booths seconds before the spray from some newly soaked dumpee landed in the path. Mabel and the Guys changed their trajectories to continue their pursuit of the Queen.
Queen Gerssie disappeared into the woods. Seven of the people trailing her entered shortly thereafter. Skeet was falling behind because he had stumbled across a poker game while chasing the Queen through the festival and stopped to play a few hands. After Skeet tired of fleecing the players he used his traditional exit line to excuse himself from the game, "Oh, will you look at the sundial..."
As they did he made his way to join the others. Skeet caught up to the rest of the group at a clearing in the forest. Well, it wasn’t really a clearing, the woods stopped because a mountain decided to put itself there. Queen Gerssie smirked inwardly. She knew something the gang of eight didn’t know. The tracks for the St. Pitt-Altooney trolley line were built around the side of the mountain. She could hear a train coming around the bend. Clang, clang, clang went the trolley.
"Wait, wait, wait," yelled Queen Gerssie. The Queen ran as quickly as she could to catch the trolley, but alas, the driver was the same Herb Pitman whom the evil Queen had pressed into service at the commencement of her plan to get rid of the Princess. He wanted to get back at her for all of her mistreatments of her courtiers. He drove by the Queen without even slowing down, perhaps even speeding up slightly. He waved and smiled as he passed by her, and Gerssie knew she had to find another way home, and quickly.
The pursuers were backing the Queen up to the side of the mountain. Suddenly a voice from somewhere in the bushes strewn throughout the side of the mountain yelled for help. The group at the bottom of the slope looked up to see a very unusual sight. An elegant looking woman was being chased down the mountain by an out of control one-wheel rickshaw. The vehicle was gaining speed as it bounced down the side of the mountain. The woman jumped out of the way of the cart just before it crashed into a large boulder that sent it flying through the air careening toward the bottom of the hill. Mabel and the Guys ran for cover, but the evil Queen Gerssie had no time to move out of the way. The rickshaw headed straight to the Queen and perhaps her final thought was that it looked as if someone was dropping a house on her. Poor Queen Gerssie was completely obliterated by the impact.
Vic and Skeet slowly walked toward the crash scene. The wheel on the rickshaw was still spinning when they arrived and they both found it very odd that the Queen was wearing red sequined shoes. Too bad she didn’t click them three times. The lettering on the side of the rickshaw told them that the vehicle was owned by "Pablo’s Patently Perfidious Perfunctory Rickshaw Company". They trudged up the side of the mountain in search of the woman they assumed was Pablo. They traced the arc of her jump and found that they need not have worried about her loss of income. Pablo had landed in a briar patch and had probably been able to greet Queen Gerssie wherever they both landed after exiting this life.
Mabel and the Seven Guys Courting Disaster were upset that they would not be able to impeach the Queen for her treachery in regard to the Princess. Mabel was furious that now she would never be paid for her fortune telling.
The group walked dejectedly back to the house of the Seven Guys. Each one of the men harbored the secret hope that since the Queen was now dead, the spell on the Princess would be broken. When they opened the door and entered the hallway their hopes were raised because they heard music playing. Then they realized that in the hurry to chase after the Queen, Vodner had not turned off the CD that was playing. They found the Princess still on the couch, as lifeless as ever.
At a loss for what to do, the seven Guys and Mabel decided to bring the Princess back to the palace in the hope of finding an antidote for the poison. Upon their arrival at the palace they found that the Wizard of Eldrangnia had been released from the mirror and had taken his place as owner of the palace pursuant to an old treaty. It turned out he had been wrong about being freed from the mirror when the Knave Folet was restored his gift of speech, for the Knave was as silent as ever. Although somehow he had managed to become engaged to his now not-so-secret love, Breugenia. Everyone decided it must have been the Queen’s death that freed the Wizard. The Guys pleaded with the Wizard to bring Bettarina back to life, but the Wizard had to own up to the fact that he was not a Wizard at all. He had just drifted into this world one day when the hot air balloon he had been piloting lost its way.
The Guys had no choice but to build a shrine to the Princess. They chose a place by the river and built the most elaborate mausoleum imaginable. There were white marble statues of Bettarina adorning every corner (and since the building was octagonal, that meant a lot of corners). Fresh flowers, which were replaced daily by the men, surrounded her bias..uh, dais. Candles were kept lit twenty-four hours a day by the men. The Guys could seldom be prodded out of their excessive mourning. They were consumed by their grief and would not leave their goddess no matter who tried to pry them away. Mabel tried to coax them back to reality, but the men would not pay any attention to her, even when she did her dance of the seven veils. Mabel finally gave up on them, especially since the minstrel Ruperth did pay attention to her dance. Mabel and Ruperth were now spending a lot of time looking for veils.
Life in the palace became much more fun now that the evil Queen Gerssie was gone and the "Wizard" of Eldrangnia was in charge. He let everyone do what they wanted, so they all did. The Knave Folet and Breugenia were married in a lavish ceremony at the palace. The ceremony was beautiful, but the court could not understand why the Knave insisted on having spaghetti and ketchup served at the dinner.
The Lady Hilariat and her husband, Sir Jeffrey the Tall continued their always interesting relationship and entertained the palace by performing Ruperth’s scripts. Their favorite work of his was entitled, The Belle of Matamoros. It was probably their favorite script because in it Ruperth had managed to work in their favorite phrase to each other, "Right back atchya, Zucchini", several times. Amazingly enough, the Lady Hilariat’s only complaint was that since Mabel had taken permanent residence at the palace, Ruperth’s script output had decreased significantly.
As for the poor seven Guys Courting Disaster, they could never be torn away from the Princess Bettarina. They continued their vigil for the Princess. No matter how many other more beautiful, talented, intelligent and wittier women tried to help them see the error of their ways, they could never let go of their ideal. And then, one day, as if by a miracle, the Princess awakened from her slumber. Silly Queen Gerssie never turned the page of the spell book to read that the spell would indeed wear off six months after her own death. The court threw a party to celebrate the Princess’s return and the seven Guys were almost ready to fight several duels with each other for the privilege of dancing with her.
The Princess Bettarina was continually being followed by all seven of the men. They slept outside her chamber door at night, so they would be able to wait on her hand and foot when she awakened in the morning. The Princess was growing annoyed with the constant unwanted attention. She tried to avoid the Guys by having Bruegenia scout safe passages for her. However, her attempts to evade the men never worked. No matter how hard she tried to find a moment to herself one of the Guys would track her down and try to woo her. Finally the poor Princess Bettarina had had enough. She did not care for any of the Guys in a romantic way, so she decided to get rid of the men by the one way they would never be able to pursue her. She joined a nunnery.
The Princess joined the Barbican Convent for Overly Pursued Women. There she spent the rest of her days happily writing scripts that the rest of the nuns would perform. Some of her favorites were, Valiant Pilgrimage, Wee Mary Smith, Roadside Mansion, Major Nile, and Susie Swede, Private Eye. Bettarina seldom ventured beyond the high walls of the convent. For every time she did the seven Guys were there waiting to shower her with rose petals.
The men had moved out of the palace and into a house they built right next to the convent. They turned themselves into monks, wearing nothing but brown robes. They moved Bettarina’s mausoleum, complete with statues, and turned it into a shrine. The Princess finally obtained a restraining order against the Guys which did keep them away from the doorstep of the convent, but did nothing to prevent the men’s constant attempts to nominate Bettarina for Sainthood.
Bettarina ignored the men as best she could. The villagers followed her lead and also ignored and pitied the men. Eventually the whole village of St. Pitt gave up on the men and forgot they were even there. The Seven Guys Courting Disaster went on living in their happy little world of Bettarinaland as life passed right by them. And so everyone lived happily ever after, in their own way.
The End
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