The characters belong to Rupert Holmes. I am just taking them out to play with for a while. Sorry AMC lost all rights, IMO, with their bonehead move...
Thanks to Biz proofreading, editting and her very helpful suggestions.
The Loss
by Dani Calderwood
Jeff stood staring out the window of his motel room. He had a glass in one hand and a half empty bottle of whiskey in the other. A light knocking came from the door. "Go away!" Jeff shouted, never taking his gaze from the city lights. The knocking continued, getting louder as time passed. "Damn it!" Jeff muttered to himself as he set the glass and bottle down on the nearby table.
"I said go away," he yelled as he flung open the door. "You can go to hell," He harshly stated, noting his visitor was Hilary.
"Jeff, wait," she pleaded.
"Wait? Wait for what? It is now my turn to ignore you. Let's see how you like chasing after someone who doesn't give a damn!" He said, trying to shut the door.
"I do care about you," She said softly. "Jeffrey, I love you."
"Love? You love me," he responded sharply. "That's why you've kept me twisting in the wind? Letting me follow you around like a lovesick puppy groveling at your feet for any crumb of attention you'd deign to give me." He looked her in straight in the eye before he continued. "Did you and your husband have a good laugh at my expense?"
"Pumpkin, it isn--" She started, but was interrupted by him.
"Do not 'Pumpkin' me." He turned away so she wouldn't see the tears starting to form in his eyes.
"Pumpk-- Jeff, I didn't want you to know any of this. I was hoping to protect you from it." He turned to look at her, a tear running down his face. She continued. "I can't keep the truth from you any longer. A week and a half after you left for London I learned that I was going to have a baby." She hesitated. "Our baby." Disbelief registered on his face. "We couldn't connect on the phone. I thought you'd be back before a letter could reach you. 'Three weeks, Mrs. Singer, three weeks' that's what you told me when you left. You said you'd return to me." she walked to the bed and sat down, sobbing lightly. "But, you didn't return. Pavla came instead. She gloated that you were hers." Hilary wiped her eyes, trying to dry the tears, "I felt so scared. At my age, I was going to be an unmarried mother." Jeff sank into a chair, stunned at what he was hearing.
"I thought of ending the pregnancy," she stated matter-of-factly. "I had enough friends in New York who had that procedure done. They knew of doctors who would do it in their offices for a fee. But when the time came for me to board the train to New York, I couldn't do it. I couldn't break my last tie to you."
"What happened?" Jeff asked, needing to know. "What about the baby?"
"I'm getting to that," she answered softly. "I need to tell you how events happened, so you understand why I did the things that I did," she explained. "I was confused and alone. A man named Alan Ballinger performed a magic act on 'Magic Time.' We became friends and grew closer. I explained to him my dilemma," she took a breath and sighed before continuing, "and he suggested we get married. It would have given the baby a legitimate father and name, but Alan would have had nothing to do with raising the child."
"Where is this Ballinger now?" Jeff asked.
"Please Jeffrey, just let me finish," Hilary requested, then continued. "We were married at City Hall. I didn't tell anyone at the station because I didn't know how to do it without raising suspicions." She stopped momentarily, the next words still difficult for her to speak. "A couple of weeks after, I...I lost our baby." Jeff silently reached for her, but she brushed him away. She brushed a stray tear from her eye and continued, "The doctors said that nothing could have been done, but, I felt it somehow was my fault. When I returned home from the hospital your first letter from England was waiting for me. I saw your handwriting and felt a hot rage. I wanted to tear the letter up into a million pieces and burn them, but, then you would have thought I had read it, so I sent it back unopened."
"Hilary, if you had only read it you would have seen that I still loved you," Jeff interrupted.
"I know that now," she smiled ironically, "but at that time it was just a reminder of all I had lost. I thought it was some sort of way to ease your guilt, you know 'Hilary I am sorry for what I have done. I couldn't help myself. I will always care about you.' That was the last thing I wanted to read from you."
Jeff stood and walked over to the bed were Hilary was sitting. He knelt in front of her and took her hands in his. "I am so sorry, darling," he told her, tenderly caressing her hands with his fingers. "We were going to have a baby. A little girl with big brown eyes and auburn hair sounds perfect," he said as he gently stroked her face.
Hilary started sobbing uncontrollably. Jeff gestured to her and she fell into his arms. He wrapped himself tenderly around her and gently rocked her until her tears stopped flowing. She snuggled into his embrace, needing the consolation only he could give her. Finally, she looked up at his face. He, too, had been crying. She wiped the tears away and placed a light kiss on his lips.
"I was hoping for a little boy." she said quietly. "However," she chuckled slightly, "I did have quite a few nightmares of giving birth to a 6'7" baby." Jeff laughed and hugged her tighter. "I was thinking of the name Booth if the baby was a boy," she said sadly, smiling at him.
"Booth Singer? And what made you think I'd let you name our son Booth?" He said, humor in his voice.
"What's wrong with Booth?" She demanded.
"Nothing!" he replied quickly, filling the hole he'd just dug for himself. "It's a perfectly good last name, but I wouldn't let my son walk around with it as a first."
"So what would you have named him? Jeffrey Singer Jr.?" She asked.
"What's wrong with that?" He asked in return.
"Jeff Junior?" she replied with a modicum of dislike to her voice. "You would actually brand a child with that to boost your own ego?"
"Boost my ego?" Jeff answered, incredulous. "What about Booth Singer? Talk about stroking an ego," he commented as she started laughing at him. He turned serious. "I wish I had been the one here for you."
"So do I," she responded.
"Well, now you can get an annulment from this Ballinger and we can get remarried," he said.
Hillary untangled herself from his embrace. Needing to put some distance between them she stood and walked to the window.
Jeff was confused by her actions. "If you want to, that is."
She sighed heavily. "I do want to . . ." She let the sentence trail, unfinished.
"Hilary, you can get an annulment from him, can't you?" He stated, unsure of her behavior.
"No, I can't," she replied, not looking at him.
"Why not?" He asked as he stood and walked over to her.
"The marriage was consummated," she said quietly, almost whispering.
"You slept with him!?" The anger rising in his voice again.
"Yes." She turned to look at him.
"While you were expecting my child, you slept with another man?"
"No," her own anger evident. She continued, softer, "No, I made-- I slept with him after I lost the baby." She moved closer, wanting him to understand. "I was so scared. I had no one. Alan was there and he really cared about me. I just needed to know I wasn't alone."
"So you slept with him?" he said. "Do you love him?" "Hilary, do you?" he repeated the question when she hesitated.
"Not in the way I love you, but, yes, I do care about him," Hilary finally answered.
"Well it's nice to know my wife doesn't sleep with anybody. Just men she cares about."
"I'm not your wife. You had married another woman and I thought you loved her," she said as the tears ran freely down her face.
"If you had only read my letters," he rejoined.
"I told you why I couldn't. How was I supposed to know?" She said impatiently.
"You knew I loved you. You should have believed in that," he replied.
"Well, Pumpkin, that's kind of hard to do, given your past history of chasing anything in a skirt," she answered.
"I only chased when you were watching," he countered. "Didn't you notice that I always flirted in range of your view?" He took a deep breath. "Hilary, I wanted you to get jealous. That was the only time you paid any attention to me. I was so in love with you, darling. But to you I was just a man for your arm and a lover when you needed solace. Do you know how that made me feel?" He questioned her, emotion heavy in his voice.
"Jeff I didn't . . ."
"I fell in love with you the moment I first saw you," he continued, without noticing she'd spoken. "You were on stage auditioning men for your new lead. You had on a simple green dress, your hair was up. One of the men had you so angry you verbally lashed out at him. I had never seen a woman like you." He smiled at the memory. "Your temper never scared me off because that's what I fell in love with. The real you. Not the one you show people, but the angry, hurt little girl."
"I loved you, too," she said quietly.
"Is it too late for us, Mittens?" He asked, his eyes pleading for only one answer.
"I don't know," she answered honestly. "Can you forgive me for my relationship with Alan? Or in a moment of anger will you use it against me?"
"I can't promise you anything. When we fight, nothing is sacred. You know that. But I will try," he replied honestly.
"Alan left for a tour shortly after we...the tour took him to Europe, so I've been unable to reach him." she explained sadly. "I just received word that he has been trapped in Italy since Pearl Harbor. The government is trying to secure his release along with some other Americans that were trapped there by the war." She stopped and Jeff was surprised at the look of extreme worry in her eyes. She continued, her voice nearly a whisper. "The one thing they are worried about is that Alan is Jewish."
"I heard some stories about what was happening to European Jews. Some have had their property confiscated and they've been detained by the Germans but I don't think they'd do anything to an American citizen," Jeff said, trying to reassure Hilary, who was obviously upset at Alan's situation. It grieved him to see her care for another man so much.
He walked over to her and took her in his arms. She laid her head against his shoulder. "What about us?" He asked.
"Jeff, I can't make any plans until I've spoken with Alan," she said as she withdrew from his arms and walked over to the bed. Sitting down on it, she continued. "He was there for me when I needed him. I need to end my relationship with him before we can try to pick up ours."
"But you accepted my proposal. Why did you do that?" He asked, suddenly remembering the event.
"Because I knew you'd want to go off to war and I couldn't bear the thought of losing you again. I thought of nothing but keeping you safe," she said.
"Hilary Booth, you are unique, and I love you," he said with a laugh.
"I do love you too, Pumpkin." She said.
"Do you want a life with me?" He asked, suddenly unsure.
"Yes," she replied, softly smiling up at him, "but you have to give me time. Alan knows how I felt about you, but he left on tour thinking we could have a future. I need to make sure he understands," she answered.
"And if he wants to stay married," he asked, "what will you do?"
"He wouldn't keep me in a marriage against my will. Alan loves me too much for that." She spoke before she thought. Looking up at Jeff she could see her words wounded him. She held her arms open for Jeff to come to her. He stepped to the bed and sat next to her but with some distance between them.
"Jeffrey, can you accept my relationship with Alan?" She questioned.
"I don't know," he replied truthfully. "You turned to another man for, for comfort. I know I have no right, but I feel betrayed. If you had trusted me..."
"If you had put me first," she countered. "We will never be able to get past any of thi, will we?" She tried to stand but he grabbed her arm and pulled her to him.
"Darling, I cannot survive without you," he said, his lips touching hers just before he kissed her tenderly.
"Jeff, we can't," she said as she tried to squirm out of his embrace. "This isn't the way to fix the fracture between us."
"Mittens, I need you," he whispered.
Looking at him, she sighed, "Oh, Jeffrey, I need you too, but we really should wait until I've spoken with Alan."
"I understand, Hilary." He dropped a chaste kiss on her forehead. "So, wanna order room service?" He asked with the boyish grin Hilary loved so much.
She looked intensely into his eyes and found the reassurance that she needed. She pulled his face towards hers and passionately kissed him.
The End